The Joke Thread

Discussion in 'General Discussion' started by Dunerunner, Jan 15, 2010.

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  1. Jan 15, 2010 #1

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Everything leaks

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    A doctor called us out to his practice in the middle of the night because one of his toilets was blocked.

    He insisted that it was urgent and that we attend immediately.

    Upon arrival we lifted the toilet lid, threw in two aspirins, and said 'If it gives you any more trouble, call us in the morning."
     
  2. Jan 15, 2010 #2

    johnnyring

    johnnyring

    johnnyring

    I'd rather be shooting!

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    Also told him he needed a referral!
     
  3. Jan 15, 2010 #3

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Everything leaks

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    A good flush beats a full house, every time.
     
  4. Jan 15, 2010 #4

    jo da plumbr

    jo da plumbr

    jo da plumbr

    SORT OF

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    Your humor hasn't improved.
     
  5. Jan 15, 2010 #5

    jo da plumbr

    jo da plumbr

    jo da plumbr

    SORT OF

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    Did you hear that someone broke into our local police station and stole the toilet?
    Right now the cops have nothing to go on....."
     
  6. Jan 15, 2010 #6

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Everything leaks

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    Sh!tty jokes anyway!!
     
  7. Jan 15, 2010 #7

    waterwelldude

    waterwelldude

    waterwelldude

    Water well,and septic guy Professional

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    Theres always a few comodeians in the crowd. They are always trying to be the flush of the party. There jokes mostly go down the drain.
     
  8. Jan 15, 2010 #8

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Dunerunner

    Everything leaks

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    I feel better now!! :D
     
  9. Jan 15, 2010 #9

    waterwelldude

    waterwelldude

    waterwelldude

    Water well,and septic guy Professional

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    What did the ghost say to the bee?




    BOO-BEE:D




    What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?



    PUMPKIN PI
     
  10. Feb 19, 2010 #10

    whatr4u

    whatr4u

    whatr4u

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    Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

    He got pissed off.
     
  11. Mar 17, 2010 #11

    BRad704

    BRad704

    BRad704

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    Michael J Fox goes into an ice cream parlor, and asks the man behind the counter "can i get an ice cream cone?"

    The ice cream guy says "surely, what flavor?"

    Mr Fox replies "It doesnt matter, i'm just going to ****ing drop it anyway"
     
  12. Mar 17, 2010 #12

    BRad704

    BRad704

    BRad704

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    Helen Keller went to town
    riding on a donkey
    stuck a feather in her cap
    and called it nyaaagh nyaaggh nyaaagh nyagh






    What do you call a sleepwalking nun???

    A Roamin' Catholic...







    Knock knock

    Who's there?

    Not Michal Jackson







    I saw a Pirate selling corn on the beach.

    I ask him how much?

    He said "Why its an buccaneer."
     
  13. Mar 17, 2010 #13

    havasu

    havasu

    havasu

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    Subject: FW: Old Cowboy






    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He
    finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

    After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna
    hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.. In a very deep, husky
    voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke,
    Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should
    know five things:

    1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

    2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

    3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

    4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight-lifter.

    5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    Now, think about it seriously, Mister.. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
    'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
     
  14. Mar 17, 2010 #14

    havasu

    havasu

    havasu

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    A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses that there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

    "Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

    The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

    "You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

    So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

    "Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do: First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it." "Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

    The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 - but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

    "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

    As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

    He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks - but he doesn't make a face - and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

    Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight - then nothing but silence!

    Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

    He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?" :D
     
  15. Mar 18, 2010 #15

    BRad704

    BRad704

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    Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

    'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

    'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

    'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

    She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
     
  16. Mar 18, 2010 #16

    havasu

    havasu

    havasu

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    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand new BMW, advanced toward him
    out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location
    which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot. The image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry. After a few minutes, he receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, but, how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.

    This is a herd of sheep. ..... Now give me back my dog.
     
  17. Mar 19, 2010 #17

    Admin

    Admin

    Admin

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    All those are hysterical.
     
  18. Mar 19, 2010 #18

    havasu

    havasu

    havasu

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    DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.

    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

    "Your badge. Show him your BADGE!"
     
  19. Mar 22, 2010 #19

    BRad704

    BRad704

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    That one IS hilarious!!!! He still has a Razr phone!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!111
     
  20. Mar 23, 2010 #20

    havasu

    havasu

    havasu

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    THE GYNECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC


    A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO
    paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where
    skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He
    went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes,
    attended diligently, and learned all he could.

    When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist
    prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous
    skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had
    obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor,
    saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding
    result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

    "The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart
    perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine
    back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
    After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because
    you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my
    entire career."
     

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